February 22nd 2014

It was this day we lost a saint, a hero, a sweetheart, a selfless man.... I lost my dad. My heart hurts. There's a huge void. My kids lost their sweet papa. My kids are heartbroken. They miss him! I miss him. 

My dad went on February 13th to get his first dose of chemo. He had great spirits that day he was ready to get this done and be done with cancer. All doctors were super positive and told him he'd fly through this with flying colors but it would be hard and it would take some time but he could do it. 

A couple if days after chemo he started to get sick. Real sick. We thought it was odd he'd be this sick after only his first round. We still Face Timed him at night and he seemed fine. The kids would do their NEW nightly ritual of getting him to burp (I know..... gross but my kids thought he was genius and so funny). 7 days after his first treatment he was super sick. At 4:30am Friday the 21st he told my mom to call 911 because he was in so much pain. The ambulance came. My sister called me and this is how it all started to all go down.

He got worse. He continued to be in such pain. They didn't know what the heck was going on??? Finally they figured out he had an infection (acute colitis). How'd he get that???!!!!! So let's get him some antibiotics, right? Ummmmmm not quite. His white blood count was .6

Yes that's right.... He basically had zero immune system to fight this off. He continued to get worse. I of course was on the phone this entire time waiting for the "GO" from my sister to come. 

I'm just devastated I'm not there. By lunch he took a turn...... a bad turn. He went into respiratory arrest. He was put on a ventilator. I was told to COME! I couldn't breathe. I couldn't function. I couldn't believe this was happening. Please don't let this be happening!!

I tried. I tried and tried some more to get a flight out. I couldn't. I just couldn't. How incredibly horrible it was for me to be so far when my dad was getting ready to leave this earth. Everything was happening so fast. So very fast!

By 2:30pm that day the doctors gave him 24 hours. 24 hours!!!!!! What???!! He was fine just hours ago! There was nothing more the doctors could do. He was completely septic and all his organs were shutting down. So it was then I said let's pack up and just drive. So we packed, we packed for a funeral. The funeral for my dad who was completely fine the day before. I just couldn't believe this was happening. 

The kids got home and we said we were going to Vegas. Of course they screamed in excitement! I them said "Papa was sick and we needed to go see him." Paige looked worried. She noticed we were packing church clothes. I told her not to worry and that it'll be fine.

We said we were driving the whole 15 straight hours. It would be tough but we could do it.

At this time a surgeon came to my mom and said there's just one more thing the doctors could do. It was a surgery. They weren't even sure he'd even make it out of surgery but it was worth the try and my mom wanted to try the best she could. I wanted to talk to him. I know he was hooked up to the vent and completely unaware but I wanted him to hear my voice. My mom walked the phone into his room and put the phone to his hear. I couldn't even get words out. I was crying so hard that I couldn't even talk. I got myself together to tell him this " Bob. I'm trying so hard to get there. I'm trying so hard. I'm coming. I love you so much. We love you so much. " That was it. Those were my last words to him. 

2 and a half hours into our drive we get the call that he made it out of surgery. Really?! That's great right? Kind of. He was still super critical and he is on a 24-48 hour watch. We had no idea what would or could happen. So Terry pulled over. We said a prayer about what to do. I really didn't get an answer so we flipped the coin. Heads we go, tails we go home. The coin flipped and tails it was. So we flipped around and headed back home. I had actually purchased a ticket earlier that day that left the next day Saturday. So I was just going to do that and have Terry bring the kids when needed.

We drove back home. I felt okay. I was tired. I had had an extremely emotional day. We got home and went straight to bed. I didn't really sleep. I just kept texting my sister. He was getting worse.

As the morning came closer he was getting farther from us. His heart rate kept dropping and dropping. It was time to make a choice. A choice on what to do when he stops. When his heart stops. Why do I even have to worry and have to do this right now. I'm 35! With little kids! I still need him around! Why?

His heart continued to drop until finally..... He was gone. They tried to get him back but he was gone. At 7:59am Saturday morning the 22nd of February I lost my dad. It was the worst phone call of my life. I can't even begin to tell you the void that I feel. How my kids won't get to see their Papa again. I was living a nightmare.

We of course never unpacked. We got back into the car and started the 15 hour straight drive to Vegas. I bawled just about the entire drive. Paige bawled some of the drive. She was so sad. 

The crazy thing is I felt him immediately after he passed. He was with me. He really was.

We pulled up to my parents house at 2:30am Sunday. My heart sank as we pulled up to the house where my dad would walk out and come greet us. As we pulled up and parked I wanted to throw up. My dad wasn't inside. He wasn't inside! Terry put his hand on mine and gave me the look of comfort. I opened the van door and headed in. What a feeling that house had. I kept waiting for him to come downstairs. He never did. The next 7 days would be full of many nights of no sleep, lots of breakdowns, almost passing out 2 times and trying to soak in the reality of this all. I went to plan my first funeral. I've never done anything like this before. My mom, my sister and my self. What a very hard experience. His funeral was Friday February 28th. I spoke. I wanted to. I wanted people to know what an amazing dad he is and was. Everything turned out beautiful. The out pouring of love that came was amazing! My best friend Linsey came from Idaho and my other 2 best friends Kjersten and Candace came from Utah. I've received many flowers, many cards, many messages and many phone calls. I'm literally overwhelmed with all the service that has been done for my family. 

Everyday is an adjustment. I'm living a new normal. I miss him terribly. I cry a lot. A lot! There's a huge void. There's something missing. There's a pain in my heart. My kids miss him. 

AGAIN.... I know he is around me often. He really IS my angel! 

It's times like this that my heart gets so full of love..... love for the gospel.... love for my Savior..... love for my eternal perspective....... Love and graditude for my knowledge of the plan..... The plan that I will for sure see him again. I will be in my dad's arms again. 

I like that. I like that so much Xoxoxoxox